I'll Be Happy When

How many of these thoughts sound familiar - I’ll be so happy once I get on vacation. I’ll be happy once I land that job. I’d be happy if I was dating someone. I’ll be happy once I make that salary. Or write a great song. Or lose ten pounds. Or quit drinking. Or control my anger. Or overcome my anxiety.

If you’ve been a human long enough to have a few birthdays, then you’ve entertained thoughts like these. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with thoughts like these. We have all been well trained to concern ourselves principally with the current state of affairs only. Our current weight, salary, circle of friends, etc. Because that’s what IS in this very moment. Why would we not look there? Open up any newspaper or social media app and you are instantly inundated with the “problems” of the world, and ourselves. We sadly aren’t very often hit with many solutions to said problems, but rather problems on steroids. The problem is that our obsession with what currently IS, coupled with our fascination with the disease of the world means that most of us are focusing on things that make us feel badly, nearly all of the time. And instead of focusing elsewhere (say, on pleasant-feeling thoughts), we simply anesthetize ourselves to the discomfort, and go on talking about and living in the problems of the world, thereby magnifying their very existence.

Two interesting things I have learned in my life regarding this “I’ll be happy when” fallacy: The first is that it’s not true. That sense of happiness, even if it did follow that date (or job offer, or new car, etc.), was temporal, eventually leaving to be replaced by some other feeling. Or the job wasn’t what I thought. Or the weight went back on. Or the date started talking.  That’s the first problem with this conditional style of living (the kind where I have good things happen so then I feel good, and vice-versa). It doesn’t last. There’s not a way to sustain the positive conditions long enough to promote only good feelings. And any attempts in this regard often lead to destructive and addictive patterns.

The second problem with “I’ll be happy when” thinking is that is brushes over one vital truth: it is actually possible to feel happy right now, right this very second. I may not be able to drop the ten pounds this very second, but I can find ways of thinking about that topic that absolutely feel better, and move me rapidly towards “happiness.” What I want and WHY is a very useful place to focus. But beware this common pitfall. Let’s use the weight example, and this first one is not helpful: I want to lose ten pounds because I am currently a fat ass and feel bad. Here’s a better way of following up the WHY: I want to lose ten pounds because I love how I feel when my pants are a little looser. I love the energy I feel in a lighter body. I love the way it feels to move and dance in a lighter body. I love the confidence I feel when I walk through the world in a lighter body.  This kind of thinking orients you to the very feeling you’re trying to conjure, right this very second. Can you feel it? Keep it going. What you want, and the WHY underneath it have some powerful magic that is directly related to moving in the direction of what you want.

So catch them, when you can, these sneaky little, “I’ll be happy when” thoughts, and see if you can reorient yourselves right here and now to the feeling of happiness.  It’s always there, waiting for your to discover it again and again. Peace and joy, ease and flow. Right now.

Dreams, not Resolutions

Happy New Year, dear hearts, and welcome to 2024! It is of course that time when our news sources and social feeds are full of remembrances of the year’s big events, notable celebrity passings, and the predictable myriad of suggestions on self-improvement. Join this gym! Eat fewer carbs! Walk more steps! Give more to charity! Be a better human.

I’m all for exercise and generosity of course. But the problem with this “Resolution Mindset” is that it is purely rooted in not-enoughness, which always feels bad. The underlying vibe is that we didn’t measure up last year, we didn’t do enough, we ourselves, just as we are, weren’t enough in some form or fashion, and so we need to do better. We can do better. We should do better. What the heck is wrong with us?

Sound familiar? Most of us have been fed this from day one when it comes to New Years and resolutions. I have another idea. Instead of focusing on what we should improve upon, my simple focus turns towards this: What is it that I want? Since I’m the captain of my ship, where exactly would I like to sail? What kinds of things would I like my nest to be feathered with this year?

The Dream Big game is one of my favorites to play, but it takes a little practice to get good at it. And by “good,” I simply mean that you play the game in such a way that it actually lifts your mood. You can feel the excitement of it, and the energy starts to gather momentum. And the simplest tool for getting that going is by completing the sentence, “I want X because….” The because is really REALLY important. More on that later.

This can sound like, “I want to travel because I feel so alive when I am visiting someplace new.” Then stay with it, milk it, keep it going. “I love meeting new people, and trying new foods, and walking around places that I’ve never been. It’s fun to purposely get lost in a foreign place and know that you’re on one big adventure.” Stringing thoughts together like this gets the ball rolling. Can’t you feel it? The momentum builds, and those eager feelings of anticipation start to gather like we know those seeds we’ve planted are about to poke through the ground.

And the topic doesn’t have to be something big like travel. It can be something more immediate like, “I want to feel more relaxed, and take more deep breaths, because I love the feeling of calmness and peace that comes over me when I tend to my body in that way. I feel more at peace when I slow down, and I love that feeling of noticing my surroundings, and settling into this very moment.”

What stops so many of us from Dreaming Big in these ways is that we instead say to ourselves, “I want X but…”. I want to travel, but I can’t afford it. I want to learn to speak French, but I never have the time. I want to make more money, but I’m stuck in this dead-end job.” And those thoughts, common as they are, keep us stuck. Feelings of stuckness breed more stuckness. It ties a horse pulling in one direction to a horse pulling in the opposite direction. This always leaves us feeling crappy. And deflated. Just like those old, familiar New Years Resolutions.

So this year, starting with today, let’s all just Dream Big. I want this because. And I want THIS because. And this and that and all of it! The world is your oyster, dear hearts. And the secret to making the supportive evidence show up even more abundantly is rooted in your ability to play the dreaming game. Have fun with it. Give yourself permission to really go for it. Since you can be, do, or have anything at all, what would you like it to be?

I want this, because…

Connecting the Dots

I attended my second Durango Songwriter’s Expo this past weekend (it takes place in nearby Broomfield, CO despite its name), and left feeling in awe of the level of talent I experienced, and also more inspired than ever as a songwriter.

This industry event has been happening for 23 years, and brings together aspiring musicians of various levels of experience with industry pros like record label executives, high-end artist managers, and music supervisors - whose job is to “sync” music with ads, scenes in movies and tv shows, video games, etc. These industry folks not only speak on the panels during the day on topics such as music publishing and sync-licensing, but they are also at the head table during the all-important “listening sessions.”

Listening sessions are intense, and as a songwriter, you get a total of three during the weekend. There are two types of sessions - one is for Sync Licensing, to get feedback on whether or not your songs could be used in the media mentioned above - and the other is to get feedback on your songwriting and/or production quality if you like. During these sessions, you are in a room full of roughly 20 other songwriters all waiting their turn, which consists of 5 total min of attention. During those minutes, you present your two listeners (sometimes hit songwriters, label execs, big time producers, A&R folks etc.) with your chosen lyrics, before playing your recorded song(s) for 2-3 minutes. Then they use the last 2 minutes to share what they thought of your songs, again, in front of a room full of other songwriters.

It can be an emotional roller coaster for sure. Last year (my first), I chose to play three different songs at my three different sessions, getting as much feedback as I could as a songwriter. The first one left me feeling elated, before the second and third kicked my ass. One quote from a producer was “….so you’ve basically just got some stuff and a chorus.” Ouch. Fun times. But he was also right, or at least I knew what he meant. And it made me want to write better songs, which is the whole point.

One thing that made last year’s feedback difficult is that I played songs I had already mastered, so it was nearly impossible to incorporate their feedback. This year I was smart (I thought) and brought demos from the album I have in the works. That worked well for the songwriting feedback sessions, but I realized that the Sync people can really only conceive of viable song placement when they hear a mastered product. Lesson learned. What I also learned about the Sync world is that if you are writing decent music, and it’s well produced, it’s “sync-able,” meaning, there’s a legitimate place for it to land somewhere in the ty/movie/advertisement/video game sphere. The trick of course is getting in the room with music supervisors, getting your music listened to. And of course, like anything else in the world, it’s all about relationships.

Warren Sellers is a songwriting mentor of mine, and one of the “feedback givers” from Durango. He referenced the paper menu he used to get as a kid at a restaurant, complete with a maze and a connect-the-dots activity. In that game, any one or two links don’t really mean anything significant, at least they don't seem to. And they certainly don’t give a clear sense of the picture. But if you keep going, connecting one dot to the next, taking the next right step, a form begins to emerge. Perhaps hazy at first, but soon there’s a dawning “oh yeah” that happens when you realize that you’ve drawn a lion or a flower. Warren used that analogy for a life in the music business, slowly connecting dots with a variety of conferences, conversations, gigs, songs, blogs, emails, all of it slowly become more and more discernible as a life in the music business. I love that metaphor and have referenced it several times since I first heard it. Also feels like it needs to be a song, if it isn’t already.

I’ve been “at this” professional musician thing for more than 25 years, and I must say, I’m starting to get a clearer sense of the shape I’m making by connecting these dots. I’m going to have an empty next in the next year, and that’s got me dreaming about things like going on extended tour in beautiful parts of the world. Since I see all my therapy clients remotely, anything is possible. And there is nowhere on the planet without space for new songs, thank goodness.

Stay tuned, my friends. Lots of exciting things happening.